Run Fat B!tch, Run!

Davina, there’s no easy way to say this, but I reckon I may have found a new exercise buddy!  You just might have to up your game.  What do you make of that?   See, my new book was waiting for me when I got home from my lovely group Tuesday morning.  It sports the very eye catching title of Run Fat Bitch, Run!  The author was on with Ray D’Arcy at the start of the month which was probably no coincidence as everyone goes through a crazed get fit quick New Year promise.  I liked the sound of her immediately.  She had me wanting to throw the spatula I held in my hand into the sink, whip up a batch of crisp sandwiches for the lad’s lunch and go running around my garden.  I could do that, I thought. I could run.  I bloody reckon I could!  I’ve got the runners, I’ve got the gear, I’ve even got the time on Saturdays and Sundays, darn it (as my kids say) I. Can. Do. This.  By this, I mean running.  All I need to do, apparently, is take the walking up a notch for a couple of sessions, and then run a lamp post, walk a lamp post etc. My legs will be screaming the first couple of times I do it, but eventually, (eventually) I’ll be able to run my walking circuit quite comfortably.  I believe I’m going to give it a shot!  But first things first, I needed to get my hands on this new bible.  The first couple of times I asked for the book I apologised in advance.  With a title like that I was afraid the shop assistants would think I was insulting them or just winding them up.  They did laugh the first time I asked for it but took me at my word that is it a legitimate book and went to check on their computer.  Alas, the computer used to say no.  It wasn’t in stock. The lady in the book shop in Kilkenny threw her hands up to heaven and then touched her head off the counter when I asked her did they have it.  Alarmed, I thought she was going to deck me for calling her a fat bitch (she wasn’t) but when she looked at me through bored eyes, she told me that everyone wants to run.  The book had come in but sold out again on the same day.  I was thrilled.  It must be good so! After a week of pestering the girls in Carlow, they used to see me coming and just shake their heads at me, letting me know that no; the book hadn’t arrived in yet.  I never needed to go past the door.  Actually, now might be a good time to return to that shop and hunt down the young wan that more or less called me a liar and told me that it hadn’t even left the warehouse yet, so how could Kilkenny be sold out.  I’ll bring my brand new copy and wave it in her face!  There’s a lovely, comforting section in the book on how to release your inner bitch and make her work for you, so I will blame that.  I say comforting because my inner beeatch gets released on a very regular basis indeed, but Ruth (my new VBF!) sez this is ok.  In fact, it is necessary in order to psych yourself up.  I just need to make sure I don’t shut mine up with chocolate!  So it transpired that Dublin have loads of the books in stock.  (They would!) But I couldn’t wait for She Who Lives In Maynooth But Works In The Big Smoke to make her journey home with one for me so I bought it online.  It was dispatched to me on Saturday afternoon and was in my house Tuesday morning.  Now that’s quick!  On the inside it says that it was first published in 2012 (that would be this year) and reprinted.  Twice! And it’s still January!  There will be nothing done in my house over the next day or two while I drink coffee and read it!  The Screecher Creatures will never see so many jigsaws and DVD’s again.  I might have to leave out little piles of junk food for them to snack on.  I don’t care who complains to Social Services about me.  This book is obviously the Holy Grail when it comes to running.  Some people think running is like whistling, you just put your lips together and blow, or in this case, put one foot in front of the other and run. But I intend to do it in style.  Jesus, by the end of the summer, I intend to be able to run and whistle at the same time.  Now, stop talking about it Gwen, and run fat bitch, run!