Honest to God Culinary Terms

Cooking.  Noun.  The practice or skill of preparing food by combining, mixing and heating ingredients.  

This noun is enjoyed by many people, indeed some manage to eke quite a substantial living out of it.  For most, however, it is a necessary fact of life and dressing it up in sexy cookbooks and exotic menus doesn’t change the fact it can suck so many hours out of the day your head will spin.

I am of course referring to myself. 

It’s not that I can’t cook.  I can.  Most of what I try turns out pretty edible.  I just don’t like to do it.  I also rather hugely resent the amount of money I spend on food.  A quick mental look in my cupboards confirms the majority of stuff stored in there would never be purchased by me normally.  It’s mainly for the boys.   Cheese, all of the breakfast cereals, the gallons of milk, packets of ham, many yogurts, bread, sugar, it goes on.  And on.  Relentlessly.  I would be wealthy if I did not have to buy all of the food. 

But in the regular event that a bit of cooking has to take place, most days, these are a few culinary terms I have become acquainted with.

Split.  This is what can happen with milk or yogurt during the cooking process.  It splits up and looks gross.  It's happened to me many a time.  

Brown off.  Not to be confused with pissed off.  No, to brown something off means to cook it lightly in a pan.  Onions spring to mind.

Bake.  Does exactly as it says on the tin.  Put the raw creation in the oven and bake for specified amount of time.  Not a minute more.  Not a minute less.  Except if you use a fan oven.  Then you have to do something else entirely.  I think it’s reduce the cooking time.  But don’t ask me.  I’m crap in the kitchen.

Cover.  Not take cover.  Or maybe.  Cover means to put a lid on it or use a sheet of tin foil.  Tin foil is not as innocuous as it looks.  There is a reason for the shiny side.  This reflects heat.  Or does it increase it.  Not sure.  You might have to look this one up for yourself.

Add wine.  This makes the whole cooking process so much more fun.  It adds such dimension and changes the taste completely.  It is totally up to you whether or not you want to add some to your dish.  Personally, I think this is a complete waste.  But again, what would I know?  Tin foil confuses me. 

Whisk/beat and or whip.  Ooooooohhh Matron.  Someone’s been reading 50 Shades.  Who knew cooking could be so raunchy.  Stay away from the whipped cream now!  

A holy freakin’ mess.  (Real culinary term) this is when it all goes tits up.  It is advised there should be wine on hand for such an event.  Chalk it up to experience and stick to what you know in the future.  Leave the cook books where they belong; on the shelf looking pretty.     

Indigestion/ heartburn.  A sign that you had a really good meal and ate way too much. Or the start of food poisoning.  You’ll know in a matter of minutes.

But my favourite culinary term has to be this one.  “Hi.  Can I place an order for collection please?” 

Hands down.